I Graded Starfish Because SOMEONE HAD TO
Get the Full StoryThere are a lot of different kinds and not all of them are good.Common starfish
- A standard starfish. The starfish you think of when you think of starfishes.
- Would look good hot glued to a picture frame in your aunt's bathroom.
- Kind of forgettable, the Ann Veal of starfish.
- GRADE: B
en.wikipedia.org
Necklace starfish
- A fancy, fun starfish. A starfish that shops at Chico's.
- Textured and brightly colored, not unlike vomit after eating too much spicy salsa.
- Probably drives a Jeep Wrangler.
- GRADE: B
en.wikipedia.org
Blue star
- Blue boy. So trendy.
- Would sell you loose cigarettes behind the 7-Eleven.
- Redefines starfish aesthetic while maintaining definite starfishiness.
-GRADE: A
en.wikipedia.org
Crown-of-thorns starfish
- A starfish that would make out with your boyfriend at prom.
- Beautiful, but so mean. Like an older sister.
- WHY CAN'T I JUST COME TO YOUR PARTY, LIZ?
- GRADE: B-
Jon Hanson Via en.wikipedia.org
Biscuit star
- A starfish drawn from a child's crayon.
- A trustworthy starfish, a starfish you'd lend 1,500 to.
- Just the right amount of whimsy; whimsically proficient.
-GRADE: A
en.wikipedia.org
Cushion star
- A bold refusal of starfish ideals.
- Absolutely challenges starfish critics; a starfish that will be studied in art schools for years to come.
- Looks a little like a spoiled tomato but still cool.
- GRADE: A-
en.wikipedia.org
Giant spined sea star
- THIS is what I'm talking about, baby!!!!!
- Respect to the starfish form with clear innovation. A starfish that GETS IT.
- Part alien, part terrestrial, all perfect. Will it massage your feet? Maybe!
-GRADE: A
Flickr: edbierman
Red-knobbed starfish
- A sturdy starfish. Dependable, like a meatloaf.
- Not afraid to let her hair down on the weekends.
- But maybe...pandering? To the starfish lobbyists? Hard to say.
- GRADE: B
en.wikipedia.org
Common sunstar
- A verifiable butt hole. A detached anus.
- No one ordered this, please send it back to the kitchen.
- I am itchy.
- Grade: C
en.wikipedia.org
Southern sand star
- Hahaha, why am I scared.
- A starfish you could buy at Hot Topic.
- Good chance this starfish is made of a witch's finger bones and dark magic.
- Grade: C
en.wikipedia.org
Nine-armed Sea Star
- Simultaneously doing too much and too little.
- The tribal tattoo of starfish.
- Definitely takes his dates to Applebee's.
- GRADE: D
en.wikipedia.org
Royal Sea Star
- Was this starfish famous on Nickelodeon in the '90s? Maybe.
- A little try-hard. A little annoying. A little boring. A little ehh.
- Cool teeth though.
-GRADE: C-
en.wikipedia.org
Astropecten jonstoni
- Respectful of the starfish form, but doesn't add anything to the narrative.
- I'm sorry I fell asleep.
- Zzzzzz.
- GRADE: F
en.wikipedia.org
Sunflower starfish
- OH YOU POOR THING.
- What monster labratory did you crawl out of?
- sound of villagers rioting at the front gate
- GRADE: a sympathy B
commons.wikimedia.org
Orange brisingid
- An interesting take on what it means to be a starfish.
- Could probably clean your toilet.
- A good amount of flair without venturing into kitsch. Anna Wintour imperceptibly turns her head towards this starfish when he enters a room.
- GRADE: A-
en.wikipedia.org
Leather star
- It's a nice try.
- But it's just not good enough in 2018.
- Pattern reminds me of open sores. And not in the good way.
- GRADE: D
en.wikipedia.org
Doughboy star
- YEP!!!
- The best starfish there ever was, is, or will be.
- Great name, even better attitude. A starfish we should all aspire to be.
- GRADE: A
en.wikipedia.org
ALL GRADES ARE FINAL see you in summer school.
giphy.com Via Disney-PIxar
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