Parents Have to Have a Favorite Child, Right?

Get the Full Story"We don't have a favorite" may be the biggest lie to come out of your parents' mouths. This is saying a lot, considering these are the same one or two people who try and convince you that Santa and the Easter Bunny are real. It's the parenting equivalent of someone saying "It's not you, it's me" during a breakup conversation when it is, in reality, you.

Though parents can deny it all they want, I'm convinced they absolutely have a favorite child. There's always one kid with more chores or harsher punishments, while the other gets a brand-new iPhone. One child with a closet full of hand-me-downs, while the other gets the brand-new Lululemon outfits. Or one child with the strict curfew, while the other doesn't even know what a curfew is. The evidence simply speaks for itself.

Now, I'm not saying parents don't love all their children equally. It may not even be intentional; parents could genuinely be blind to their favoritism. I'm just saying that it's not possible to not have a favorite, or demonstrate more attention to one child over the other. It's human nature to like some things more than others, like how I favor the red flavored Starburst slightly more than the pink. You don't see me gaslighting my taste buds into believing otherwise.

Whether parents are in denial, feel guilty, or would simply rather ignore the conversation altogether, my opinion is simple: parents have to have a favorite child. Right? Turns out, experts also have some thoughts on the matter.

Experts Featured in This Article

Caroline Fenkel, DSW, LCSW, is an adolescent mental health expert and the chief clinical officer at Charlie Health, a treatment program for teens and adults struggling with their mental health.

Do Parents Have a Favorite Child?

As a middle child, I feel qualified to answer the question with a resounding yes. While I have a great relationship with my parents, I know they favor my sisters slightly more than me. Blame it on "middle child syndrome" all you want, but I know I'm not the only person in the world to feel that way.

According to adolescent mental health expert Caroline Fenkel, DSW, though, it's not so simple. "Parents generally don't have a 'favorite child' in the sense of loving one more than the other, but it's natural to feel more connected to one child at certain moments," Dr. Fenkel says. "These feelings often stem from shared temperaments, interests, or stages of life rather than a deep-seated preference."

For example, if your sibling has a hobby that aligns with something your parent also enjoys, this may grant them some extra special attention. They may spend more time together or have more inside jokes about the hobby. "This may create the perception of favoritism, even if unintentional," Dr. Fenkel says.

Thanks to genetics, your sibling may also be more similar to one of your parents than you are. This "shared temperament," as Dr. Fenkel calls it, could also make it seem like your sibling and parents connect more because they have shared personalities.

Other things that can shape family dynamics: birth order and gender. For example, firstborns might receive more responsibility, but parents might be more lenient with the youngest children, Dr. Fenkel says. Parents may also be more strict with their first child, but then relax a bit more as they have more children.

However, according to Dr. Fenkel, these are all matters of perception - not reality. "Kids often equate attention with affection, even though these are different things," Dr. Fenkel says. So even if it feels like someone is getting more attention, it doesn't necessarily mean they're "the favorite."

What Parents Can Do to Shift the Dynamics

Seeing your siblings bond with your parents more than you are can definitely leave a mark - again, even if it's not intentional. To make sure all children feel loved and valued, Dr. Fenkel says parents should prioritize one-on-one time with all their children, listen to each child's individual needs, and affirm their unique qualities. "Saying something like, 'I love you and your sibling in different ways, but both of you are so important to me,' can be helpful," she adds.

Because at the end of the day, we all hopefully understand that we are loved, even if in different ways. "Love may not look the same for each child," Dr. Fenkel says. "Fairness doesn't mean treating them identically but recognizing and responding to each child's unique needs."

As I reflect on my non-favoritism in the family, I understand now that being the "favorite" isn't so black and white. That said, I still stand behind what I said. Because even though my parents would never admit to there being a "favorite," I know whose senior photos are still hanging up in the living room and hint: they're not mine .

Related:

Why a "Living Room Family" Is What Many Modern Parents Are Striving For

Taylor Andrews she her is the balance editor at PS, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With seven years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.

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