In Relationships, Is There Such a Thing As "Healthy" Competition?

Get the Full StoryA relationship between two competitive people sounds hot. You're pushing each other to be better, enjoying the fruits of your respective labor, and are, hopefully, learning from one another in the process. But when there's a significant "success gap" - meaning one person is noticeably more successful than the other - coming between them, there could be trouble in paradise.

A success gap could look like a salary gap, sure, but success also isn't something that's necessarily measured by money. For example, a success gap in a relationship could look like two writers dating and one of them landing a book deal, a content-creator couple with one securing more prestigious brand partnerships than the other, or perhaps two people who work in different industries but one is consistently getting promoted and the other isn't.

Success gaps don't necessarily mean the relationship is doomed, however. In fact, they're pretty common if not unavoidable if one partner works in a more lucrative industry - but when someone in the relationship starts to feel jealous or unduly competitive, things can go awry.

Experts Featured in This Article

Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist and intimacy and relationship coach.

Jen , 27, felt that way in a previous relationship. She was in a journalism program while dating a journalist who made her feel second-best to his ambitious career. "Because we were in a similar field, I just hated talking about work with him," she tells PS. "Every time he would do well, I would feel a bit threatened, unfortunately, because I just felt like he wasn't going to be into the relationship anymore unless we were this power couple."

Jen admits these feelings were one sided - while he never expressed that he actually thought this way, she couldn't shake the weight of the success gap looming over their relationship. "I always felt like, unless I accomplish as much as him or accomplish more, he's not going to like me anymore," she says. "Career was my main point of stress in our relationship, I always felt I had to prove my worth to him in terms of accomplishments." Their relationship ended after eight months.

While a little bit of healthy competition might sound fine in a relationship, sociologist Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD, believes there's no such thing. "Any competition, if it's really connected to your worth and your drive and your purpose and your achievements, I think would undermine most relationships," she says. "If one person is starting to feel left behind, if they're not feeling like it's an equal partnership, if they're not feeling like their roles are being appreciated and valued, that over time will deteriorate the relationship."

"It was an unspoken cloud over the relationship."

According to Gabrielle, 22, it definitely undermined hers. She began dating her now ex in August of 2024 after meeting on Hinge. They were both in law school at the time - not the same one, but in the same city - and Gabrielle was open about her ambitions from the start. At first, they seemed to align on their goals and dreams for the future. But that didn't last long. "As the relationship kept progressing, it started to feel like a competition of who was achieving more," she says. "When I told him I got an internship that I was really gunning for, it took him days to respond and say congratulations and that seemed to be a pattern. He would blame it on me and say, 'I see your success and it's numbing me.' It was an unspoken cloud over the relationship."

Their relationship ended in December after he sent her a long message detailing how he felt. Gabrielle recalls it saying something to the effect of, "I think that you're great and what you're doing is awesome, but I don't think that I'm good enough for you." She adds, "It was just this very long essay blaming me . . . basically saying I was leading to his - I hate to say it - downfall."

Of course, stereotypes and patriarchal gender roles are often a factor here among heterosexual couples. Dating an ambitious woman can be threatening to insecure men, causing a wedge between relationships and leading to resentment.

But that's not always the case. Debbie Herrera, 27, says that while there's a success gap between her and her current partner, it doesn't affect their relationship in a negative way. She works in influencer marketing while her partner works in tech sales. He has more experience than her, he's worked for larger companies, and he also currently makes double what she does.

While she says the gap makes her work harder, she can't imagine it ever coming between them. "Every time I see him succeed or he sees me succeed, we're infinitely happy because that's what we believe the other person deserves and because we know our success contributes to our success together," Herrera says. "Because he isn't selfish, because I know he isn't greedy or malicious in any way, I know he's not doing it in spite of me and he's not seeing his success as a way to see me as inferior." She adds, "I feel very secure in the fact that he treats me as his equal despite that success gap."

It may sound like the answer here is to work in separate fields and try to achieve separate things, but it is still possible to strive for the same achievements and have a healthy relationship. Dr. Gunsaullus says shifting competition to collaboration is of the utmost importance. "The big picture is that you're really supporting and motivating each other," she says. "There just needs to be a continued intentionality around respect and kindness."

Gabrielle is hopeful she'll find a partner who matches her drive in the future. She's looking for someone who's emotionally intelligent and who knows what they want out of life. "That's a big thing," she says. "Someone who not only has similar goals, but is on my level."

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Elizabeth Gulino is a freelance writer who covers trends, wellness, and all things lifestyle. Previously, she was a senior staff writer at Refinery29. Her work has been featured in Cosmopolitan, PS, Bustle, Wirecutter, and more.

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