I Live Apart From My Husband - and Our Sex Life Couldn't Be Better
Get the Full StoryWhen I tell my new friend on a trip to Paris that my husband and I don't live together full-time, she responds, "Wow, good for you. I wish my husband and I had that much alone time."It got me thinking: Why couldn't they? After all, if I've seen such great success with it, why couldn't others? My husband and I - who have never lived together full-time since the very beginning of our romance in 2019 - practice LAT, otherwise known as "living apart together." Simply put, LAT is a relationship dynamic in which couples live apart from each other, intentionally yes, seriously .
Choosing to live apart together has done wonders for us. You might be wondering, "But why?" Well, we are both people who need and thrive in our own personal spaces, we each have careers that demand time apart from each other - he travels the world for work and I am often either working on a project in New York City or traveling on press trips - and we're also polyamorous and in an open marriage. The LAT dynamic certainly lends itself to this. Think: easily being able to bring another partner home for a sleepover without worry.
Our living arrangements haven't just made our lives easier, but they have also done another major thing for our relationship: It has made our sex life and physical intimacy all the better.
When I tell folks this, they always have questions. How does it work? How can you maintain intimacy if you're not physically with each other? How could you possibly have a better sex life when you don't see him often? Well, as someone who's spent six years in a LAT dynamic and a historically chronic long-distance relationship girlie , I have answers.
My husband and I are both very sexual people. That's a good thing for me, considering I write about sex for a living and often review sex toys that are sent my way. Like I mentioned earlier, he also travels for work, and I have this theory that frequent travel makes folks more horny like in "The White Lotus." Luckily for our relationship, we're both pretty imaginative and find ways to connect sexually, even from afar.
For example, we have this daily routine of sending each other erotic photos we find on Instagram. Not porn, but more erotic art or sexy vibes. In moments when I see something that turns me on, I send it to him and tell him that. On his end, he often sends me sexy posts he thinks I'll like, too. It's a way we communicate, "Hey, I'm really horny," or "I saw this and thought you'd enjoy it, too." Sometimes it leads to a little solo play, but more often than not it just builds anticipation for the next time we see each other.
Speaking of solo play, we also love to incorporate using sex toys when we're away from each other. Lately, we've both been really loving the Lelo IDA Wave 139 , a dual vibrator for vulva-havers, and the Lelo F1S V3 207 , a pleasure toy made just for people with penises. Yes, we've used toys in the past to play together when we're apart, via sexting or even a FaceTime session. But what makes these toys different is that they're specifically made for long-distance play. With app-controlled capabilities, we have been able to plan a "date night" from afar, and, when the moment is right, control each other's devices. On nights when we do this, it really does make us feel more sexually connected and like we can get each other off, thousands of miles away from one another.
I always dreamt of having a partner who enjoyed lingerie. It sounds simple, but coming from past relationships where men I was with thought lingerie was a "waste of money" or "something that was just gonna come off anyway," marrying someone who loves it has been such a treat for me. When we're apart, my partner will often surprise me with stunning lingerie sets. As a lover of all things silk and lace, putting it on knowing that he bought it specifically to make me feel good turns me on. Of course, I always send him a photo or two and that makes him feel good, too.
We're no strangers to sending nudes, either. We are both pretty playful, so we might send an imaginative nude here or there, or if we're about to go on dates with other people, we send each other something spicy to say we're thinking of one another. Who doesn't love a nude from the love of their life?
To play devil's advocate, I get that it can be argued that we're only sexually fulfilled when we're apart because we're in an open marriage. But, in fact, that's far from the truth. Our ability to stay connected sexually stems so much more from how we talk to each other, the intense sexual attraction we have, and, more importantly, the anticipation of wanting to rip each other's clothes off the next time we're together. Sure, we occasionally have sex with other people, but it doesn't mean we always do. More often than not, we miss each other and dream of the next time we get to hop in bed together. Part of that intense and passionate sexual chemistry comes directly from living apart together. We're not arguing about dishes or laundry or the hair left in the shower, but instead, being with one another when we can to really soak up the time that we have together.
Here's the thing: LAT may not be for everyone. But for my husband and I, we've been able to use this living arrangement to our advantage and make our already amazing sexual chemistry that much more exciting, fulfilling, and of course, connected.
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Hayley Folk is a freelance writer, editor, and podcast host based in New York City. She is the host of the "Naked Folk" podcast - a sexual wellness and relationships podcast - and she writes for major publications about the LGBTQ community, travel, lifestyle, sex, and wellness. In 2022, she received her master of fine arts in creative writing from The New School.
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