So Your Wife Wants an Erotic Massage . . .

Get the Full StoryThe first time Alison saw a professional for an erotic massage, she had the best orgasm of her life. The second time, she had ten orgasms. Is it any surprise that she's made erotic massage part of her routine? "I get them all the time now," she tells PS.

Alison is one of a growing number of women seeking out erotic massages. Over the past few years, several viral articles and podcast episodes have documented women's experiences with this type of massage, sparking rising awareness - and interest. There are plenty of fratty jokes about "happy ending" massages for men, but for women, erotic massages tend to be talked about in whispers, with recommendations passed via word-of-mouth. And for those in relationships, getting an erotic massage from a pro - rather than a partner - can be a difficult conversation to navigate.

In a 2019 episode of the podcast "Private Parts Unknown," writers and podcasters Sofiya Alexandra and Courtney Kocak discussed their experiences receiving erotic massages from men sex workers in Tokyo while doing reporting and research for their podcast about sex and love around the world. "Our interviewee Hiroko Imani - a very cool 30-something local reporter - said, 'I think you guys should try the happy ending massage,'" Alexandra said. "Initially, we were confused. We were women. What did that even mean for us?"

Hiroko suggested a local agency, but before scheduling an appointment, Alexandra had to broach the subject with her then-husband. "I was married at the time of my erotic massage, and I called my husband beforehand to get his permission," she said. "Outside of safety concerns, I think it's crucial to explain to your partner if they feel jealous or threatened that this is not about sexual intimacy with the practitioner, connection, or a date. It is truly the closest thing to non-sexual massage that I can think of - a release. It also strangely brings you and your partner closer, because of the amount of trust involved. 'How cool is my boo?' is what you walk away with."

The massage itself was mind-blowing, Alexandra said. "The man made me cum four times, and I was so spent that I actually said, 'Please, no more.'" She added, "It was one of the best experiences of my life. I felt deliriously light and happy and goofy with the energy of the massage. I wanted to high five all the people in Tokyo and couldn't understand how anything bad could happen in the world."

But while Alexandra's then-husband was immediately on board with the idea, for others, it can be a decision that requires multiple conversations - and maybe some reciprocity, too. "If you are not willing to have your partner get a happy ending, then you shouldn't be approaching this convo with them," Alison says.

Some erotic massage providers will see couples, however, in which case a partner can watch or even participate. Alison even suggests getting side-by-side erotic massages together from a pair of providers.

Experts Featured in This Article

Rev. Rucifer she they is an intimacy expert and pleasure coach based in the Hudson Valley, NY.

Intimacy expert Rev. Rucifer suggests beginning with some self-reflection. Namely, why do you want an erotic massage? "I see erotic massage as a way to connect deeply into the body and into one's own erotic energy. For me, this is about activating their own energy, and allowing them to experience this without the need to perform or offer any sexual favors in exchange," Rucifer tells PS. "It is simply a moment for them to receive, explore their body, and connect with the pleasure that exists within."

For many, experiencing pleasure without worrying about how you look, or how long you're taking to orgasm, is the whole point of the experience. And having a partner present can make that harder.

For some women, getting an erotic massage can be a way to explore their sexualities. "I do see more openness and willingness for women to receive an erotic massage from another woman. I am noticing that this is mostly the result of women being bi-curious and not having safe containers and spaces to explore the touch of another woman," Rucifer says. "In receiving an erotic massage with a woman, there is a level of trust, openness, and regard for safety and consent which may not be as available with a male provider."

After you're clear on why you want an erotic massage, "consider if you want your partner to be included as part of this experience or if you want to explore on your own," Rucifer says. You might prefer to have the experience solo and then tell your partner about it later. But if you and your partner do decide for a joint experience, talk with your partner about how, exactly, they'd want to be involved, whether by watching, participating, or getting their own erotic massage. "I have had some amazing sessions where we focus the energy on the woman receiving while the husband and I offer a four-handed erotic massage," Rucifer adds.

It's familiar advice, but it's still important: communicate, communicate, communicate. As Rucifer puts it, "Communication is crucial. Communicate with your partner about your desires and curiosities, and ensure they are comfortable with your exploration as part of your relationship dynamic."

If you do decide you want your partner involved, know that some providers only give erotic massages to women, like Tantra Body Rub Rick, as his clients call him. "I do receive messages from men who want to be involved in their wives' sessions or want to observe - and while I respect everyone's preferences, that's not the type of work I offer," he explains. "My sessions are one-on-one, focused entirely on the woman's experience. This work is about creating space where she can be fully present, held, and not performing for anyone else."

Communication with the provider is also important. In other words, don't just show up with your partner without discussing it with the provider first. Rucifer says, "I highly encourage seeking a professional provider for this experience as they will likely bring a level of professionalism and client care. Explore sites like Tryst and search by massage providers. I recommend everyone vet anyone that they work with, which may include doing your own research, getting references, or having a conversation to ensure energetic alignment prior to the session."

For some, an erotic massage can be a deeply spiritual experience - especially for those who are fans of tantric massage, which is inspired by yogic tradition and can incorporate meditation and energy work. "I first heard about erotic tantra massage around four years ago, and I felt deeply drawn to try it," Pauline Marie-Antoinette, an artist based in Berlin, says. " My first experience brought me into a state of complete bliss, where I could let go of all worries and feel beautifully high. There's something incredibly sacred about simply receiving, feeling, and being fully immersed in the present moment."

If your partner is uncertain, Marie-Antoinette says you can begin with a non-sexual massage. "Tantra massage isn't so different from other kinds of bodywork except that it acknowledges sexual energy and allows for intimate touch, which is often excluded in traditional sessions," she says. "I've come to see our genitals not just as sexual organs, but as an integral part of the body that deserves care and healing too. If your partner has concerns, a great way to start is with a session that avoids direct genital touch, focusing instead on moving sexual energy through the body by contouring those areas. It's already incredibly powerful and can feel very safe."

Like Alison, she suggests approaching the experience as a couple with side-by-side massages: "It's a beautiful way to share the experience while still honoring each individual's journey."

Name has been changed.

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Erika W. Smith she her is a freelance writer and editor who covers astrology, sex, relationships, lifestyle, and more. Her book series Astrosex was published in 2021.

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